Who is this crazy bitch?

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Pennsylvania, United States
My name is Laura. I'm 26-years-old. I love cats and books and Asian ball-jointed dolls. I'm a nerd and I'm happily married to an equally nerdy husband. I'm 5'5" and weigh about 235/40. I have brown hair, bullshit brown eyes, and freckles. I also got a big ass, thick thighs, tubby fingers and toes, flabby arms, a round belly full of good food, and chipmunk cheeks that haven't gone away since I was 5. I will be buried with them, I am sure.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

It gets really frustrating sometimes.

I've been married now for almost ten months now. I've been insanely happy. We've had fights, we've had amazing sex, we've solved problems, and created new ones. The main thing is that we're in it together and loving each other every day. It's amazing to have someone to love and for them to understand/want some time away from each other.

It's everyone else that's making it frustrating. Read: our families.

I have no clue how much pressure Mike's getting, but with me, my parents bring it up almost every time we're together. My brother and sister roll their eyes when I deny it. My BEST friend tells me that I'm full of shit and will get over it some day.

What's this "it"? It's the act that humans have been doing since time immemorial; bearing children.

I like kids. But I also like kids that don't stay with me. I'll talk to them then they go on their merry way with their parents. I think kids can be quite disgusting when they eat food or have snot on their faces. It makes me gag thinking about changing diapers and dealing with bodily functions. YUCK.

Not only this but when you have a kid, you have a giant responsiblity. A responsiblity I DO NOT WANT. I don't want to be responsible for someone's upbringing. What if I screw up? What if I become a giant bitch and make this kids life miserable? What if I do everything right and somehow the kid turns into a giant asshole and will tell me I'm a terrible mom? (Kinda like how my jackass brother treats my mom, which is another post sometime.)

Then there's the finances, the time, the effort... So much. I'm a selfish person. I like having my alone time. I like having hobbies that I can play with by myself. I like making money and spending that money on what I want (pfft, like I do that anyway. Fuck you car/house bills. >____< )

Kids are also insanely noisy and will shout or scream or cry or, worse, throw tantrums. I don't nearly have enough Dodges or Blocks to avoid that shit!

To people who are parents (my best friend, for instance), everything I list probably sounds like an excuse or whatnot. But I feel that they're valid complaints since, after all, IT'S MY LIFE. What's also frustrating beyond all belief is what they tell me.

"I don't want kids."
"Oh, you'll want them one day." or "You'll grow out of that thought."

Oh, really? So you believe in god, right? Don't worry, you'll grow out of it one day. :D <- what I wish SO BAD that I could tell them ( donated to me by my awesome Random friend )

That's what's so fuckin' frustrating. When someone doesn't want kids, immediately they're told that they're being silly and OF COURSE they want children! If I said to them that I wanted ten kids, they'd give me a slap on the back and say congrats. Grrrrrrrr!

Despite my reasons and my very real desire not to have them... I have promised my husband the opposite. But for a few reasons, which are pretty valid to him.

He wants kids. I don't know why, but he says it has crossed his mind once or twice. And Mike, being the silent I-don't-share-my-inner-thoughts-'cause-I'm-a-MAN'S-man type, speaking up like that is a big deal. Also, he's the last of his line and I'm not shitting you. His grandmother only had two sons and Mike's the only male from both of them. So he'd kind of like to see his family heritage preserved. As someone who has massive family pride, I understand that desire.

So I told him that if he truly wished for a kid, I'd give it to him. But under one condition; twins. If I'm gonna be fuckin' pregnant, I wanna do it ONCE. And I can't stand the thought of bringing up a kid without a sibling. I have two siblings and I love them dearly. I can't imagine growing up without someone plotting with you against the world. I know that there's plenty of only-childs out there who are amazing, but as someone who's grown up with siblings, I can't say I can fully understand how that'd work out.

In a way, I also frustrate myself. My desires are just as important as his, but I also love my husband dearly. I'll do anything for him and I know he'd do the same for me. Seeing as he's always sticking his neck out for me and helping me when I need it or giving me the emotional support that I need, then I think I can bear him his children.

Part of me really, really, REALLY hopes that he'll eventually "grow out of it" and not want the little brats. But I have a sinking feeling that he'll want 'em. Which leaves me hating myself a little and feeling uber anxious about the future.

I'm sure I've made a few heads explode from this post, but it's my decision in my life, y'know? At least I made it of my own accord and wasn't persuaded (not once did Mike look at me and go "I really want you to have my kids." or "I expect children some day.") by Mike or, worse, forced into it by sexual violence.

1 comment:

  1. your 25 most people arnt even married by 25, you have only been married for 10 months no time for thinking about kids :D But if you dont have twins, then adopt another kid if you dont want to go through pregnancy again....plenty of kids that have no home, parents that are being left to care homes or even slums.